Rebuilding our broken son
“Dad you MUST teach this to other kids who are going through hard times like me!”
My 9-year-old son had 3 operations within a month.
He missed about 3 months of school.
When he did go to school he got bullied and became socially isolated.
He became depressed and a totally different person.
He was going through hell.
As a father, it was heartbreaking to watch 💔😭
Today I’m keeping my promise to him.
I'm sharing the system we developed to rebuild him and get him out of the dark place he was in.
This system helped him dig himself out of the hole he was thrown into.
He regained his confidence, made significant progress, and established old and new friendships.
I'm happy to say that he's better than before.
My wife and I are so proud of him.
The best part?
You can easily use it to help yourself or your kids. It’s a powerful cocktail of focus and accountability (Focability 🤦🏾♂️).
What most people get wrong
When most people are down they let their feelings overwhelm them.
I’m certainly guilty of this.
I used to be a masterful victim. I'm embarrassed that I was this way.
“I’m too tired, too sad, and too drained to do this. Tomorrow.”
“It’s not my fault! It’s the other kid! He hates me!”
“It’s this horrible boss!”
“If only I had half the time she has I’d…”
I had a bag full of excuses and blame, everyone was at fault except me.
The world was against me.
Sadly my son learned it from me 😞And we had to overcome this to help him.
“Damn it! You’re not listening to anyone!
Everyone is busting their ass trying to help you!
You’re ruining it for yourself!!!
You’re not willing to listen and let anyone help you!” 🤬🥵
That was me screaming at a broken 9-year.
Never in my life have I shouted at anyone like this.
Not my proudest moment 😟
If you're a parent you know that after you go nuclear on your kids, there's a great sadness that takes over you.
Dad, are you crying?
I’m trying to help you and I’m failing.
You’re not letting anyone help you.
You decided to stay stuck in the hole. And I can’t break through to you.
I don't know how to help you.
I’m sorry I shouted at you, it’s hard for me.
Dad, you know it’s harder for me, right?
He was right. I was heartbroken.
You're right, I'm sorry. We'll figure this out.
I knew we MUST get him out of this downward spiral, or it’ll get worse quickly.
Read on to learn the system we used to rebuild him.
Throwing excuses and blame isn’t useful when trying to get out of a hole.
Letting your feelings control is also a great way to remain buried.
What will get you out is taking action despite your feelings that are weighing on you like boulders:
- Knowing what you want to accomplish. Getting out of this damn hole!
- Deciding on the smallest step you can take to get out.
- Do it
Thanks for the great banal advice oh wise one... That's basic stuff.
The hard part is implementing this. Here's how we did it.
The Ultimate Accountability System
We call it: “Hey next month me”.
- The two of us have a short conversation (2-3 minutes) about how he’s feeling:
Are you happy?
Do you love yourself?
What would you like to change or improve?
How can Mom and I help you?
- Then I record a short video (3-5 minutes) of us talking about these questions.
I ask him if he loves himself (at first he didn’t).
He has to state one thing he wants to improve until the following month.
He can select only 1 thing.
Usually, he has many. I try to come up with a single thing that all the other things fold into and ask him if he wants it.
Eventually, he has to state a single thing he wants to improve in the coming month.
- Every Saturday the two of us sit on his bed, talk about the monthly focal point, how he’s feeling, and watch the clip.
(I've got a calendar event to remind me).
- Every 4 weeks we record a new video (we’re in our 3rd video).
- Only my wife and I have access to the videos.
It totally blow my mind how quickly this worked (this isn’t the only thing we’re doing to help him, but this has been amazing).
His reactions are inspiring to watch.
Sometimes he's proud of himself, other times his embarrassed, sometimes he just doesn't care...
What makes this so powerful?
Putting your name and face on clear goals is scary!
It gives your words weight. Think of signing a contract.
You have a deadline.
A single clear goal.
And someone is holding you accountable.
This was so effective that I started doing it for myself as well.
I recorded a monthly video for April. So far it’s been great at focusing me and pushing me to act.
This works for 9-years olds and adults.
If you’re feeling stuck OR not living the life you hoped for, this can significantly speed up your progress.
If you want to make WAY faster progress in your life OR want to help your kids I highly suggest this system. Adapt it for your kid, you know them best.
You can do it on your own, but I’d be more than happy to help you with your journey.
Send me a DM with any questions you have about this, or about moving toward the life you want.
Tell your kids you love them and hug them. Tell them my son said this will help them when they’re going through rough times ♥
p.s. - To make sure you won't use this alone. We're in constant communication with his teacher, school counselor, and other staff.
We got professional help and met a parent's counselor.
This was uncharted territory for us, and we wanted all the help we can get.