I’m dealing with anger issues.
I've been under a lot of stress and it manifests as anger.
I hate myself once the anger goes away.
Over the past few months, I’ve found a few things that have been effective in getting my anger levels way down.
If you’re dealing with anger, or if you know someone who has anger issues I hope this might help.
In the past tried dealing with my anger by sleeping well, meditating, and working out. It helped but wasn't good enough.
I was missing the point.
Anger is your mind trying to protect you.
Anger is a pointer for pain
Anger is letting you know someone or something is touching your pain.
If you’re angry it means that something is hurting you. Now you can look into what’s hurting you and deal with the root cause, the Pain. Not only the symptoms, the Anger.
I know it sounds touchy-feely-hand-wavy stuff, but it really helped me, and I hope it can help you.
I asked my wife and kids when was the last time I was angry and they couldn’t remember.
That’s a good thing 😃
I know the self-hate once the anger goes away, but it doesn't have to be that way.
You can use your anger to get better.
You’ll be angry way less and your anger will lead you to a better life.
Effective methods to learn from anger
These are methods that worked for me, try them out and adapt so that they'll be effective for your situation.
Anger = Pain
“Sit with the pain”. What the hell does this even mean?!
Glad you asked.
When I get angry I ask myself what pain is causing the anger?
I breathe and ask questions about the pain why is it painful? Am I angry at the person or at myself? Where in my body do I feel the pain?
I close my eyes and breath towards the location in my body in which the anger “sits”.
Change your focus
Anger is a sign that I'm focused on myself.
When I feel the anger raising I ask myself:
What's the reason the other person is acting this way? Are they in pain? What do they need right now?
The focus shift: From internal to external, helps me see other people (usually my kids) and avoid anger.
See it from their perspective.
What’s the reason my son is acting out at the most inconvenient time and place?
Breathing and meditation
During times when I meditate regularly, I’m able to do the above with much more consistency.
My favorite meditation is the Sam Harris meditation (8 minutes), but use whatever works for you.
I did meditation for months before I started noticing the effects, so give it time.
A simpler breathing technique I use is “Box Breathing”, it’s simple and effective. Even the Navy Seals use it.
Knowing that I have a goal and that my actions are taking me towards it.
Anytime I don’t know this my frustrations and anger levels raise.
I look at the situation and change the framing to see how my actions are tied to my high-level goals.
Stop fighting your anger and let it guide you to where there’s a pain in your life so that you can address it. So that you can take care of yourself.
I hope this will help you deal with your anger, and improve your life.
If you have suggestions or questions send me a message, I’d be happy to help you with your anger.